John Talk Thai

(Bangkok, Thailand) –When Kentucky Men’s Basketball coach John Calipari recently told media that we “don’t know sh@#,” he was only partially right. For you see, I do know “sh@#” because I’ve had the trots ever since I landed in Bangkok. I understand it’s mostly my fault, though. The food is fantastic here and I just can’t help gorging myself. The problem is that the Thais like their food laced with chilies that could choke a Chinaman, so my bowels are more exhausted than Shai Alexander.

There’s food everywhere in Bangkok. From high-end eateries to run-down food stalls, you can find anything your palate desires 24 hours a day. I’ve already gulped down oysters as big as my fist, prawns the size of lobsters, and all sorts of slippery, slimy, fruit and veggie type things that wouldn’t make the cut in America. Street food is outrageously cheap, but like anything else in life, you pay your money and take your chances. The smells emanating from these food kiosks can be somewhat overwhelming. I don’t want to sound like the ugly American, but on the list of smelliest cities, Bangkok would rank near the top. It stinks here! The combination of fried grease and exotic spices mixing together with diesel fuel and auto exhaust is ever present and distinctly pungent. It’s similar to the Cats’ second half meltdown against South Carolina–not necessarily nauseating at first, but bothersome and irritating nonetheless.

What is nauseating is Bangkok traffic. I’ve driven in LA and it’s much worse here. Gridlock everywhere for hours at a time. It’s not chaotic like Cairo, nor brutal like Beijing. It’s actually quite orderly as Thai drivers are surprisingly courteous, there’s virtually no horn honking, and zero apparent road rage. It’s just that crawling along at two kilometers an hour on an eight-lane highway makes me want to gouge my eyes out and shove bamboo shivers up my fingernails. Patience is said to be a Fruit of the Spirit. It’s something I’m sorely lacking when it comes to sitting in Bangkok traffic.

Getting in my morning runs here in Bangkok has been a bit of a challenge also. In addition to the usual uneven pavements, potholes, and overhanging tree limbs encountered along urban sidewalks, you also have to dodge the omnipresent food stalls, motorcycle swarms, and the occasional strolling Buddhist monk—all while breathing in the suffocating auto exhaust. Kind of defeats the purpose of attempted aerobic exercise if you ask me. I also miss my dog on my runs. Every dog I’ve seen in Thailand appears lethargic and listless, beaten up by life and waiting to be featured on the next bootlegged Chinese restaurant menu.

Outside of Bangkok, it’s much more pleasant. My sojourns along the beaches of Hua Hin provided me ample opportunities to relax and recharge. Imagine waking up to glorious 80-degree temperatures and a fabulous sunrise, with someone to bring you a tropical drink or to trim your neglected toenails at every beck and call. Check your modesty at the door if you choose to get the herbal body scrub and exfoliate treatment. You’re getting EVERY part of your body scrubbed and exfoliated.

And now, a word about Thai massages—they are grossly overrated. First of all, they hurt. You know you’re in trouble when you pay for the session behind the curtain. Having the Thai version of Attila the Hun slapping my calves with impunity, poking wooden rods up my insoles and making my vertebrate pop like firecrackers on the Fourth of July just wasn’t my cup of tea. At one point he performed a move on me worthy of any WWF escape maneuver—probably classified as chiropractic malpractice in the States, but here it’s just comic amusement at the poor foreigner’s expense. You’ve been warned.

And finally, nobody with obvious Kentucky ties has yet approached me on this trip. I’ve been sporting the BLUE every single day trying to attract fellow citizens of BBN for some engaging conversation. So far, no takers. The cute couple with matching Lebron jerseys and the Thai dude shooting hoops in Kyrie Irving gear were oblivious to my braggadocio about reppin the greatest tradition in the history of college basketball. Now after the Cats’ crushing loss to the Gators, I’m just looking for someone to commiserate with in the worst way.

Sigh! Such is life in this part of the world, where no one cares but me. Go Cats!

John Huang is a columnist for Nolan Group Media and Bluegrass Sports Nation publications. If you enjoy his writing, you can read more at www.huangswhinings.com or follow him on Twitter @KYHuangs.

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Something to Smile About

(Chang Mai, Thailand) – I fought the cold and the cold won. After weeks of battling sub-freezing temperatures, weather advisories, and storm warnings back in my old Kentucky home, I stepped off Korean Air Flight 7917 at Bangkok International Airport and immediately surrendered myself to the sultry sunshine and tropical humidity bathing my pasty winter skin. I’m jet-lagged beyond comprehension by my 32-hour flight from Hell, but still manage an ear-to-ear grin thinking about the sand, sun, and surf that surely awaits me in this exotic Thai kingdom.

If Thailand is the “Land of Smiles,” then Shai Gilgeous-Alexander should feel right at home here. “That kid smiles,” said Coach John Calipari when asked about his freshman point guard earlier this season. “I don’t know if it’s a Canadian thing. I don’t know what it is. But every Canadian that I’ve coached has fun and smiles and doesn’t feel the weight of the world on them.”

Calipari has reason himself to smile after Kentucky’s hard-fought 74-67 victory over the Vanderbilt Commodores. The aforementioned smiling Gilgeous-Alexander led the Wildcats with 22 points and six assists in 39 minutes of intense action, the third time in the last six games he’s scored 20 or more points. Kentucky shot 53.5% from the field while holding Vandy to 38.2% for the afternoon. With the win, the Cats improve to 14-3 overall and 4-1 in conference play.

Forgive me if my coverage of this game appears somewhat untimely and a bit mechanical. There’s a twelve hour time difference between Memorial Gymnasium in Nashville and the city of Chang Mai in the northern part of Thailand where I’m currently visiting. So, I was up early on what was a Sunday morning searching for a Starbucks with enough bandwidth to watch the game on my computer tablet. You’ve probably already guessed that college basketball isn’t a top priority of viewers in Southeast Asia and not coincidentally, this effort to watch my Wildcats was met with limited success. In fact, I may be the only component of the Big Blue mist trying to penetrate into this remote outpost at the foothills of the Himalaya mountain range.

Since arriving four days earlier, I’ve donned my UK gear hoping to draw out other displaced Wildcat fans in this country of Buddhist temples, floating markets, and pad thai noodles. So far, I’m not doing very well–batting zero if truth be told. Rather than being viewed as a respected ambassador of the Big Blue Nation, I’m sneered at as if I’m the village idiot—a simpleton clothed entirely in Blue with a fried chicken franchise stitched across my chest. To the untrained Western eye, I may look slightly Thai, but the minute I open my mouth, there’s no doubt in the native’s minds that I’m not from their neck of the woods. Nevertheless, I’m on a mission to make converts out of the ignorant masses, with “Calipari” soon to be a well-known and awe-inspiring household moniker.

Next up for the Wildcats is another tough road encounter against the South Carolina Gamecocks, followed by the colossal ESPN Gameday tilt at Rupp against the Florida Gators. I’m not sure where I’ll be then or whether I’ll procure any video access. But I want this to be clear to everyone back home–whether I’m watching Muay Thai Boxing in Bangkok, or drinking mai tais on a secluded beach—I’ll be tuned in somehow. Perhaps it’ll just be me alone on another early Sunday morning, 9000 miles from Lexington, with the familiar banter of Tom Leach and Mike Pratt on iheart radio playing soothingly in the background.

I’ll leave you with this for now. My 26-year old daughter Katie flew over from Los Angeles to meet us here on this grand adventure. As we were stalled in traffic watching the ever-present tuk-tuks weaving in and around us, she asked me, “Dad, can you take me on one of those?” For a brief second, my mind flashed back 15 years, longingly lamenting how all that precious time had fleetingly flown by. It dawned on me that just like basketball, travel’s not solely about wins and losses. It’s not about the number of destinations reached, or peaks climbed, or refrigerator magnets accumulated. But rather it’s about the experiences gathered and emotions garnered with strangers and loved ones along the way. “It’s a process,” as Coach Cal has been apt to say when referencing this particular Kentucky team. On this particular personal journey of ours, I couldn’t agree more. Stay tuned.

John Huang is a columnist for Nolan Group Media and Bluegrass Sports Nation. If you enjoy his writing, you can read more at www.huangswhinings.com or follow him on Twitter @KYHuangs.

You Can’t Get There from Here

(LEXINGTON, Ky.) – The Kentucky Basketball team’s performance during the first half of this regular season reads like the proverbial roller coaster. The Wildcats started off with an early season stumble to perennial powerhouse Kansas. Then John Calipari’s squad ran off a string of less-than-spectacular victories over a bevy of Popcorn States. A hard-fought victory at Rupp over a solid Virginia Tech team suddenly sent the team trending upward. Then a pre-Christmas trip to New Orleans and a disappointing loss to UCLA brought everything crashing back down to earth. A surprising 29-point blowout win over a Pitino-less Louisville team sent spirits skyrocketing again. Now a couple of muddled efforts into the conference portion of the schedule and everyone is wondering where indeed this team is headed. With Kentucky’s performance being all over the map, I’ve decided to spice things up and do a little traveling of my own.

I’ve heard it said that with modern commercial aviation, you’re now only two consecutive airline flights away from anywhere in the world. Whoever made up that saying has obviously never been to Southeast Asia. Because that’s where I’m headed–to Thailand specifically–and I’m totally convinced that no matter how hard you try, you simply can’t get there from Lexington, Kentucky.

You see, I’ve made this trip several times before. In the past, I’ve flown east over Europe, west over the Pacific, and even supposedly the shortest route over Alaska and Siberia. Every single time, the trip has been INTERMINABLE. There’s nothing like the deflation of traveling for sixteen hours to Narita Airport in Tokyo, only to realize that a seven-hour flight to Bangkok still awaits your already dehydrated and jet-lagged body. Remember also that this isn’t Coach Cal sacked out on a Sleep Outfitters mattress in his private Lear jet. This is John Huang flying basic economy on some low budget airline out of Korea.

So why am I doing this you ask—especially smack dab in the middle of basketball season? The answer is simple. My wife is from Thailand and this is a long-overdue trip for her to visit her family back home. Those of you who have been following along on my blog know that Kanisa has dealt with some serious health problems for the past several years. She also lost her mom recently, so this is a trip full of recovery, redemption, and closure for her. Sure, I’ll miss some games in Rupp Arena but the trade-off is that I get my beloved bride of 32 years back again. Plus, I’ll still be covering the Wildcats—only now it’ll probably be from some back-alley dive bar in Bangkok. I guarantee it’ll provide a totally different perspective from the standard write-ups you’ll see from your scribes sitting courtside.

The route for this trip includes the short hop from Lexington to Detroit in the standard puddle jumper before the transcontinental flight to Seoul. I consider myself a pretty seasoned flyer, having made numerous trips to China, Taiwan, Australia, and New Zealand in years past. I won’t think twice about flying out to California to meet my daughter for lunch and I’ve racked up enough frequent flyer miles to go to Mars and back. Still, I get a bit nervous when sitting in those metal tubes, especially on long international flights. The thought of a crying baby, the threat of deep vein thrombosis, or a wayward Kim Jong-Un missile is always a bit unsettling. But throw in a little turbulence, some bad airline food, and the seatmate with B.O. and you can certainly understand my edginess.

I should be 40,000 feet over Siberia when Kentucky tips off against Texas A&M next Tuesday night. I’m wondering if I’ll be able to dial up ESPN on my tablet, or if WI-FI will even be working and available on my flight. If not, I guess I’ll just have to wait to check my Twitter feed during my five-hour layover in Seoul before the final leg of my journey to nowhere. Should I happen to drop off the grid temporarily—no worries– just keep checking back and I’ll eventually resurface.

Trust me, I’m not abandoning the Wildcats. With the rejuvenated SEC, it’ll be one of the more challenging conference gauntlets in recent history. I hope you’ll stay tuned for my perspective from the other side of the globe—just a mere 8,853 miles from my usual seat on press row. Like I said, this should be interesting.

John Huang is a retired orthodontist and avid Kentucky Wildcat fan. He works as a columnist for Nolan Group Media and Bluegrass Sports Nation. Be sure to follow him on Twitter @KYHuangs for the latest in his travel adventures.