What if Joel Osteen Coached Kentucky Football?

Joel Osteen, megachurch pastor in Houston Texas, is a popular man. His inspirational books and TV sermons have impacted countless individuals worldwide. With his dark flowing hair, fluttering eyes, and pearly white teeth, he’s a consummate modern-day TV evangelist—with over 8.5 million Twitter followers drinking from his prosperity well.

Mark Stoops, head football coach at the University of Kentucky, is a cautious man. Beginning his sixth year at the Wildcat helm, he realizes that hope springs eternal this time of the year in the hearts of all Kentucky faithful. With his balding pate, stocky build, and unflinching demeanor, he looks the part of a football coach as he parcels out his words carefully to the media masses.

Nowhere was that more evident than in Stoops’ press conference on Monday prior to the upcoming season opener. He seemed more reserved than usual, unwilling to be goaded into setting expectations too high. Coincidentally, I’ve sensed a similar caution among all of BBN this year, as if they’re preparing themselves for a mediocre season. After all the botched coverages, bumbling refs, and Gator chomps in years past, who can blame them for being a bit exasperated?

The Kentucky fan base needs a shot of positive adrenaline, and who better to provide it than Joel Osteen. He’s probably too comfortable to take a pay cut, but what if he signed on to coach UK Football? One thing’s for sure—the press conferences would take on an entirely heavenly aura.

The following Mark Stoops answers are actual quotes taken from his Monday press conference. The following Joel Osteen quotes are fake but should be read out loud with a ‘Joel Osteen’ voice.

What Mark Stoops said about the quarterback competition: Terry Wilson will open up game one as the starter. He’s won the quarterback battle. It has been an on-going battle, as you know. I have great respect for all of our quarterbacks. I feel like we have a great quarterback room. With the other quarterbacks, with Gunnar and Danny in particular, they’ve put up a great fight and they’ve done a lot of things in a lot of ways to win the job as well.

What Joel Osteen would have said: I anoint Terry Wilson as the starter this weekend. He is my quarterback, and with him I am well pleased. He’s the son of the most high God. With Touchdown Terry, we may just go undefeated this year. After all, if God be for us, who can be against us? But lest you forget, God created the big picture. And he’s positioning both Gunnar and Danny—as valuable, noble, and worthy reserves—to carry out His divine purpose for our team. BBN needs to trust in me knowing that I’m ordering their very steps.

What Mark Stoops said about Central Michigan: They’re used to playing very good football teams. They’re a winning program. I believe they won eight last year, 8-5 last year. They’re a good football team that’s well coached. They do a very good job of not beating themselves and kind of sticking to what they do and play it well.

What Joel Osteen would have said: The enemy has a good football team. We must be on guard against the enemy. But God’s favor on our team will cause us to accomplish more than them. His blessing will bring divine receptions. If we have enough faith, he’ll guide that football right into our hands. All we’ll have to do is hold on.

What Mark Stoops said about the ‘unknowns’ regarding his team entering the season opener: I can’t answer that. It’s an unknown because you don’t know what’s going to happen. If I knew something about it, I’d try to head it off. I do appreciate your effort, though. You always do a good job of trying to get me. (He chuckles and nods at me.)

What Joel Osteen would have said: Brothers and sisters, don’t worry about unknowns. The one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. Worry is a thief. If you allow it, worry will rob you of your destiny. Do yourself a favor and put God back on the throne. (He flutters his eyes and points upward)

What Mark Stoops said about the attendance at Kroger Field: I’m very, super appreciative of the people that are coming because we need them, and we need the atmosphere and encourage all folks that we need all hands on deck because it makes a difference…so we need some people there, and I appreciate the people that are coming because I realize it takes a lot.  

What Joel Osteen would have said: The things that seem impossible to you, God is saying, “Look again. I’m working behind the scenes to fill those seats.” This is not the time to get discouraged. This is not the time to let circumstance get you down. Mitch Barnhart, this is not the time to raise ticket prices. You’re closer to your sellout than you think. With man, this is impossible; but with God, all things are possible.

What Mark Stoops said about the success of the walk-ons: We’ve been pleased. I am proud that we’ve had quite a few guys that have been walk-ons and earned scholarships and contributed to the football team.

What Joel Osteen would have said:  Even walk-ons are made in the image of almighty God. They all have seeds of greatness. David Bouvier is full of talent and creativity. Miles Butler was created to kick, to accomplish his dreams, and to finally earn that heavenly scholarship.

Well there you have it—the Big Blue prosperity gospel according to Coach Osteen. Whether talking free safety or free will, false prophets or false starts, spiritual conversion or two-point conversion, his prayers are always welcome for this Kentucky team. They’ll certainly need God’s favor to spring an upset or two along their difficult journey. The excitement starts this Saturday. Joel Osteen talked a good talk, but I’m putting my trust in Mark Stoops. Kentucky 31, Central Michigan 17.

John Huang is a columnist for Nolan Media Group, Bluegrass Sports Nation, and Sports View America. If you enjoy his writing, you can read more at www.huangswhinings.com or follow him on Twitter @KYHuangs.

Check out his most recent UK Sports coverage at http://www.themanchesterenterprise.com/category/uk-live-breathe-blue/

Check out his most recent Cincinnati Bengals and other professional sports coverage at http://www.bluegrasssportsnation.com/category/writers/john-huang

 

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